It may sound strange to have a "relationship performance review", I mean that sounds like a work thing not a relationship thing.
Well, any area of your life that you want to be EXCELLENT, could be a great place to look at what is working, or what is missing that would elevate that area, so why not your relationship?
Below is a recent interview I did for ABC news on the subject. (just click on the photo of my husband Michael and I)
If you want to experiment with a relationship review here are the steps:
Every promise and request can create new practices in your relationship that elevate the quality of your relationship and impact the results you produce as well.
When I coach people, many times they want to create a new practice or a new behavior and the question is where do I start?
I advise people to begin with promises, promises can be a very powerful tool to create a future that was not going to happen anyway.
When you think about it, when you make a promise, it is almost as if you are casting out into the future a new reality, one that was not predictable.
You do not need to promise to breathe or to wake up tomorrow, likely those things will predictably happen.
What we use promising for is creating the "unpredictable", something that was not going to happen anyway.
So if you are committed to creating a new practice in your life, a new behavior, a new habit, whether it is around your finances, well being or your relationship, begin with creating a promise.
For instance, to create closeness in your relationship, promise to hug your partner 2x a day.
To create energy, promise to go for a walk 30 minutes a day, three times a week.
To create financial abundance or stability, promise to put 5% of your paycheck into a separate savings account.
Any promises you make. I advise putting them into your calendar so that you are not leaving it up to your memory to run the show. Memory is not a reliable resource for creating new realities and your calendar will be a place where you can track the % of times you kept your word regarding your promises, in reality.
Every time you keep a promise you are building muscle with your word and building a new "practice with your actions".
If you notice you are not keeping your promises, take a note about what it was that "messed" with you in keeping that promise. What got in the way? What reason or justification did you use to explain not keeping your promise?
This is a win win game, if you keep your word you build muscle and new practices, if you don't you bring to light what messes with you in life.
So why not create a few promises that will enable you to create the life you want?
Let me know what you discover out of doing this.
Your Happy Place
I just got back from spending a week in my happy place, Paris France. The minute I get off the plane I start to breathe better and my sense of calm and at-home-ness shifts to a totally different level.
I began to inquire into a question. What is it about Paris that makes me so happy?
At first I couldn’t put my finger on it but then I stuck with the inquiry and came up with a few things.
OK well I am inviting you to look at what the qualities are in YOUR HAPPY PLACE and I am challenging all of us to BRING those qualities to your everyday life, no matter where you are geographically.
I am in the game with you, PROJECT HAPPY PLACE has commenced.
It is so easy to get caught up in "going through life" and we miss some of the most precious moments right now.
Today see if you can practice embodying "there's no place like home" and BE with people and life today vs getting through one thing and on to the next
Tips to Deal with Job Burnout
Have you ever felt burned out at work?
Do you feel burned out NOW?
Well take a look at this short video to support you in dealing with JOB BURNOUT, these tips work for me and I know they will support you (or someone you know)!
Shoulds and shouldn'ts are one of the biggest sources of dis-ease and suffering that I have found as I work with people in developing their ability to be unmessablewith.
In reality there are no should's and shouldn'ts. WE as human beings add shoulds and shouldn'ts to our view of what is happening, to our view of other people and to our view of ourselves.
He should be different, this should be easier, I shouldn't be so xyz etc...
Whenever you engage in a conversation that something or someone should be another way or shouldn't be the way they are, you have a recipe for suffering.
The shoulds/shouldn'ts become a layer of BULL-SHOULD between you and what is actually so.
Unless you can be with people as they are (including yourself) without having to change them or fix them, you are stuck in a reaction mode and no real creation is possible.
This week I invite you to notice all the shoulds you have about yourself, others and the world...and all the shouldn'ts you have about yourself, others and the world, and when you see one, see if you can put it to the side, and actually experience what is really there, who is really there...without that layer of BULL-SHOULD in the way.
When you do this you may find your self experiencing more peace of mind, calm and energy that you do in that world of should and shouldn't. Let me know what you discover.
Happy Valentine's Day !
For some people this is a day of celebration, of love, of chocolate, of flowers.
For others it is one of the most annoying days of the year.
Whichever camp you are in, or anywhere in between, I want to offer you a way to create an UNMESSABLEITH VALENTINES DAY.
Step 1: Notice all your should's and shouldn'ts about Valentines Day - i.e. they should plan a nice dinner, they shouldn't expect an expensive dinner, we should have great sex tonight, I should have a date tonight, I shouldn't be alone, they should've brought me Godiva chocolates instead of the Walgreens chocolates or worse NO chocolate...etc.... GET IT ALL ON PAPER, actually make a list.
Step 2: Rip up the paper and throw it away.
Step 3: New paper, write down the space you want to create this Valentines Day, is it a space of love? Peace? Appreciation? Intimacy? Sexiness? Being Present? CREATE A THEME FOR THE DAY
Step 4: In all your interactions, do something that presences that theme, or makes that theme real (whether you have a date or not you can presence love or appreciation with someone in your life today)
Have today be a day of YOUR CREATION vs a day that tv shows or love songs created for you that you ended up with by default.
Let me know what you discover!
(krĭp′tə-nīt′)n.SlangSomething that presents a particular threat to 'one that is otherwise powerful':
In this case YOU ARE THE ONE! You are the ONE that is powerful.
Superman had super powers, including the powers of flight, superhuman strength, x-ray vision, heat vision, cold breath, super-speed, enhanced hearing, and nigh-invulnerability (which means it is almost impossible to injure him in any serious way and yes I had to look that up).
Even with all that power he was "messablewith" by kryptonite, an alien mineral that has the property of depriving Superman of his powers.
Now for Superman Kryptonite was REAL, literally physically real.
I invite you to start to notice what YOUR kryptonite is.
What messes with you? What throws you off your game?
What messes with you may not have the same kind of reality as an alien mineral, it is likely more in the form of thoughts, beliefs, reasons, justifications, feelings etc. but the impact is pretty much the same.
When you start to be able to see what's messing with you, it begins to give you access to dismantling the seemingly SOLID nature of it so that you can develop the ability to go beyond your current limits.
Notice your kryptonite and then push it to the side (don't worry it will still be there if you need it)
after you push it to the side ask yourself, What am I committed to RIGHT NOW?
after you answer that question ask yourself What action would support fulfilling on what I want RIGHT NOW? then TAKE THAT ACTION.
Score some victories against your kryptonite this week and begin to develop the muscle of being UNEMSSABLEWITH.
Many people get stuck in a relationship to language where they use it to describe what is happening.
Either describing what is happening in their circumstances, like my job is difficult or my apartment is messy. Describing what is happening in their relationships like: he is being a jerk, she is ignoring me, they are ungrateful. Describing what is happening internally like I feel sad, I am exhausted, I am frustrated.
While using language to describe is fairly NORMAL it is not the only way to use language and it is often not the most powerful way to use language.
Using language to CREATE is a very powerful access to the WORLD OF CREATION, VISION and DREAMS. For instance: I promise to be patient today, I commit to taking 5 actions each day to forward this project, you can count on me to kiss you goodbye every morning.
You word can be your wand if you use it to CREATE life vs describe some version of life you are seeing or experiencing at any moment.
Are you a GET STUFF DONE kinda person?
Do you find yourself wiped out at the end of the day? Especially this time of year?
One of the things I have found incredibly useful is to SCHEDULE REST for 30 minutes each day.
When I actively put REST in my schedule it gives me the chance to unplug and recharge so I can avoid that wiped out tiredness that can descend upon those of us who are GET STUFF DONE KINDA PEOPLE.
When you just go from task to task it is easy to find yourself exhausted at the end of the day. Going from task to task is an indication that you are great at REACTING to life and circumstances, but maybe not as strong at CREATING your day moment to moment.
Use your calendar to support you, not overwhelm you. You are usually the only one putting things in your calendar (usually) so have your calendar be an EXPRESSION of your CREATION vs something coming at you that you have to survive.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.