Happy Valentine's Week! In the spirit of LOVE and ROMANCE I wanted to share this take on being unmessablewith in relationship.
Looking for love? Is your filter robbing you of finding it?
When my clients tell me they are looking for "the one," I often ask them what that means, and inevitably, they have a list of qualities that "the one" has. That list serves as a filter through which they measure anyone they date or even consider dating. That filter messes with them (and might be messing with you).
When I met my husband, it was a blind date that my sister set up. She called me and said, "I have a guy for you." I replied, "Not interested, I am taking a break." She insisted, "No, I have the PERFECT guy for you." I reluctantly agreed, saying, "One cup of coffee, I will have one cup of coffee with him." Needless to say, almost 30 years later, with 3 kids and 10,000,000 cups of coffee shared, she was right. My point in sharing this is that he did not fit my filter. He was too young, too skinny, etc. If I had been looking at him through that filter, we wouldn't have had the past 30 years to build our life together.
Before our first date, I decided to be on the date with the attitude of curiosity and discovery. Well, that was my last first date, and I discovered that maybe my list (or filter) may not be the most useful lens.
If you are looking for your ONE, I invite you to make a list of what is making up your filter. Write it all down (height, build, job, personality, hobbies, education, family, money, etc). Now take the paper... and rip it up! Free yourself from your filter!
The next step is to pre-create a space, a new filter, made up of possibility or vision, not characteristics. Something like wonder, compassion, discovery, fun, etc. Use that as your filter and view them through that new filter, which creates space vs narrows down who can fit in your heart.
This is a first step to dismantling what messes with you in your search for THE ONE. The biggest access to love is creating love and sharing it, vs looking to get it from someone or something. See if you can practice loving people this week. Find the LOVELY parts of people and speak to that part of them instead of measuring them against your list.
Lists and love may not be the best formula.
So, I invite you to let go of the list and create the love that you will bring to your life.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.